Dream girl

Weird title for a heterosexual female? Nah. It’s me you guys. Pshh.

I was thinking the other day about how I over-relate to pop-culture princesses (I immediately regret that aliteration.) I, like any good fanatic or celebrity stalker, think somewhere deep down that I am a lot like the people and characters I watch on TV.

A few of them, at least.

Namely the following:

• Jess from New Girl. Let’s just say I am no stranger to singing made up songs to and about myself, making awkward situations worse, and generally being really, irresistibly lovable.
• Bethenny (yeah we’re on a first name only basis, what do you make of it?!?!)  I’ve mentioned her husband here before. And yes part of why I relate to her is because I want a husb like that. But more it’s because she is a total nutcase. In the best, most entertaining, entrepreneurial way of course.
• Mindy Kaling. She loves writing in silly lists. She is a comedy writer for television (ok at least a tiny part of that is true about me,) and she doesn’t care what you think about the way she dresses. Oh, and her portrayal of Kelly Kapur is beyond subtle-y genius. This, and many other reasons (like the photo on the back of her book) makes her my hero.

I think that’s enough for now. For you and for me. I can’t tell if I think too highly of them or myself. Fun quandary Friday!

What celeb/character are you the most like? Does Glamour already have a quiz for this?

xo,

LR

Mick.

We need to talk about my neighbor Mick.

And I’m already giggling because I changed his name for his protection (and yours, I might add.)

But I digress. (Considering putting this on my tombstone)

I just figured it was about time I shared a few of the delightful things I’ve learned about or encountered with Mick (gosh I would make the worst spy ever. Secret agents are discouraged from using air quotes, right?) over the last 2 years.

Where to start?

Ok Mick is a private eye slash bodyguard slash kung fu expert. In the body of an unsuspecting 48 year old. He has a poster of Jet Li in his garage. And by garage I mean “gym” and by gym I mean where his cats sleep. He is often seen in a sleeveless t-shirt and slippers with crew socks (is there a more fearsomely fierce combo against bad guys? I think not). I once threw something away in his garbage outside and saw him take it out and put it back in ours. It was a tootsie pop stick I think. When we rescued a stray cat, he adopted her from us so we wouldn’t put her down even though she had a disease and she was pregnant. He changed her name from Mimsy to Angel and then kept all of her kittens. Speaking of kittens, I know he has 5 cats but i think one of them is a tiger. Or puma. Or at least an ocelot. It sounds like thunderous paws/hooves up there.. When I broke my foot he offered me a cane. With thorns. He said it was for “walking and fighting.” How’d he figure out my life verse? We think he’s secretly protected us from robbers all these years. Either that or the old tv in the window that lets thieves know, “Nothing to see here. Pass on, boys.” He loves to blast, “Sonnie Came Home” in the morning. He either owns a rowing machine or he cleans his floors with scrub brushes on his feet  a la Pippy Longstocking. He has a security camera on our front porch. He feeds the squirrels daily from an old can of peanuts. He once tried to teach me how to set a cat-trap to catch one of his escaped pets but then he said, “It’s a little too quick for someone without a kung fu background.” Assumptions, Mick. Overall he is a very nice man who I sometimes accidentally text because his name is next to my brother-in-law’s. A happy accident where everyone wins, really.

And that, friends, is who lives on the 2nd floor of our house. Mickey J: Driver. Animal Lover. Hero.

Wont you be my neighbor?

LR

Killer Segue, Bro

If you’re anything like me, you often find yourself in curious conversational situations where you accidentally stumble upon a topic/joke/story that is NOT going over well.

At this point, your options are: 1. Abort mission. 2. Pretend-faint. 3. Grab the nearest stage beer bottle and smash it over your head. (fair warning: #3 usually just perpetuates the situation. But it’s really fun.)

OR, use one of my favorite three segues (and no, AD fans, that’s not segway, a la Gob Bluth…although come to think of it, that would also be a great getaway when things got weird.)

–I’m drunk.

–I’ll talk to you guys later.

–I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.

At the very least, these will confuse the people you’re talking to enough that you can make a quick escape.

Breezy as hell, folks. Breezy as hell.

LR

Wear Sunscreen.

Everybody’s free, you guys.

That little song-bird child sang it in the adaption of Romeo and Juliet. And Baz Luhrmann (thank you, Google) spoken-word-sang it in the late 90′s.

It was a poetry slam dunk back then.

And, true to form, I would like to ruin it by bringing it back 10+ years later and using it for my own pleasure. (And secretly I will maintain that it makes it better. And also, that it’s for your own good [none of which is true].)

So here are some of the things I dare you to do to bring this speach/song back:

1. Ding your glass at the next really informal dinner you attend and dedicate it to a friend who recently accomplished something really minor, like renewing his tags or becoming the four square mayor of IHOP.
2. Adapt one of his suggestions to, “Do one thing every day that scares your roommate.” and, when confronted, insist to said roommate that you misunderstood it.
3. Pin it on Pinterest like you just discovered it and think it’s “SOOO true, you guys.”
4. Read it straight-faced, verbatim at the next open mic wedding rehearsal you attend. Off of notecards. Maybe add a single tear.
5. Write it out in your next graduation card. All of it.
6. Name drop Baz Luhrmann more so people ask you who he is and you can give them looks of shock and disdain that they don’t know him.
7. Turn each piece of advice into 31+ separate greeting cards/bumper stickers/mugs/henna tattoos. And make MILLIONS.
8. Mostly, just re-listen to it and be filled with nostalgia. And do it in your car when you’re picking someone up and see how long it takes them to say, “Wait a second…”

I’m always here for you guys. But seriously; wear sunscreen,

LR

Be annoying.

Always on a quest to be a thorn in someone’s side (a la this expose from 2010) I come to you with even more ways to arm yourself with annoyance this year.

Have at ‘em:

• Air drum whenever possible.
• Belittle people’s problems by bringing up third world issues in comparison. i.e. “Says the girl who has running water.” (this tip sponsored by the one and only Annie Downs.)
• Overuse the words, “akward,” “epic,” and “shady.”
• Pretend always to have heard about/seen/managed the band that just came on the radio before anyone else around you.
• Adopt a weird curtsy/bow when introducing yourself at parties.
• Chuck Norris jokes!
• Instead of just one-upping people when they say how busy they are, make copies of your to-do list to hold up as proof and end your presentation with a loud, “I didn’t THINK so.”
• Keep the ‘ol ‘opposite shoulder tap’ at the forefront of your bag o tricks.
• When someone asks if they can have a bite of that, say no.
• Question everything and call it “shady” whenever possible.
• Never underestimate the power of “No doy” as an insult.
• Say things like “samesies” and “totes” to boys you don’t know that well.
• Request “Love Shack” anywhere, anytime.
• Reference celebrities by their first names like they are your friends from grade school.
• Get more bumper stickers!
• Tag your friends in unflattering pictures on Facebook to remind them who is boss.
• Incorporate more movie quotes into conversations.
• Blond jokes!
• Start controversial political or religious conversations at dinner parties.
• Offer cliche advice but keep an ernest face.
• In fact, misuse cliche’s altogether. Try “c’est la vie” and “…to each their own,” when they don’t make any sense.
• Argue with someone who totally knows what they’re talking about by insisting that it’s “one man’s opinion.” and you’ll “see about that.”

Long live the little sister in me,

LR

Methinks

I came up with the perfect title for my book:

I’m Having a Great Time

Or The Girl with No Pants On or My Life in Parenthesis or Cool Lists, Bro

The second subtitle is in hopes that The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo fans will assume it’s part of the series and buy it blindly. Brilliant marketing if you ask me.

Great. Now my voicemail is going to fill up with desperate publishers,

LR

White girl, pre-teen, problems from the 90s

You heard it here first. Welcome to every midwesterner’s 14 year old brain in the late 90s.

I still say the last one,

LR

Sh*t Girls Never Say

• I cannot seem to keep any weight on!
• Abbreviating is no fun.
• No. Don’t tell me a secret.
• Can we turn off the Bachelor?
• I really like his new girlfriend. Super glad he found love again.
• Oh, you can stalk people on Facebook? Huh. Never done it.
• She is really pretty and deserves all of the blessings she keeps getting without trying.
• I hate yoga pants.
• Wait. Why are we dancing right now?
• Frozen yogurt is a waste of time.
• Let’s not celebrate/grieve/ponder over some wine.
• There probably does exist a more epic group of besties than us.
• I find it sexy that he loves his parents enough to live in their basement.
• I don’t care that he forgot my birthday.
• I’m happy for her.
• I’m really attracted to his ringback tone.
• Ryan Gosling? Ew.
• She definitely looks better in that dress than I do right now.
• All I’m looking for is a guy who won’t respect me. Is that too much to ask?
• I dunno, I’ve never looked up song lyrics before.
• Nah, I’m not interested in knowing what he meant by that.
• Stop listening to me so well.
• We should forgive Chris Brown
• Ooh I hope he’s in debt.
• Chocolate? Nah.
• I don’t care at all what I’m wearing tonight.
• An 80′s movie about unrequited love and dancing? Not interested.

Jumpin on the bandwagon,

LR

3 Namers

I was watching The Fugitive the other day (yes, I’m opening with that like it’s a normal thing to do) and I got to thinking about Tommy Lee Jones and wondering how long he’s gone by a full three names and whether or not his family calls him Tommy Lee or T. L. Jones or just Tommy Jones (welome, again, to my brain).

And this got me thinking some more.

About how silly it sounds to call celebrities with three names by just two. It’s almost downright absurd. And also, how do they get to be called by such formal, long names. How do I get in on that action?

See for yourself:

• Sarah Parker
• Jennifer Hewitt
• Sarah Gellar
• Meredith Birney (Lifetime Orig stuff)
• Phillip Hoffman
• Martin King (too soon?)
• Jamie Curtis (#Activia)
• Billy Thornton
• Neil Harris
• Daniel Lewis
• Soleil Frye (punky brewster whaaaat)
• Jo Messina
• Yves Laurent
• Mary Moore
• Andrew Webber
• Stephen Chapman
• Anna Smith

Fairytale Movie Trailers

Since there’s two movie trailers for Snow White, Red Riding hood came out on DVD, and now  ”Jack the Giant Killer” (aka Jack and the Bean Stalk) movie trailer is out, I’m getting in on the fairy tale action and you cant stop me.

Boom:

Jack and the Bean Stock

Tagline: When it comes to family, the cash is always greener on the other side…

When young hot shot Jack Harper inherits his father’s share of lima bean stock, he didn’t think much of it. Little did he know that with new climate changes in Peru, things are about to get really green around here. And we’re not talking the beans.

Jack and the Bean Stalker

Tagline: Stalk or be stalked.

Jack Mason, CIA, was on a singular mission: to stop the infamous Boston stalker from harassing innocent people. See what happens when Beantown’s most feared stalker meets his match.

Jack and the (Miraculous) Bean Stock

Tagline: Chicken soup is so 2011

It’s 2024 and things are not looking good for anyone who has a cold. Long since losing it’s miraculous healing powers, chicken stock is having the worst year ever. Lucky for the universe, Jack Spaulding has created a new base for soups that will stop sniffles for good. It’s about time beans finally get their day in the sun…er…soup.

**please know this is 100% inaccurate and that’s why it’s funny. Duh. Stop making me explain myself.

You’re welcome.

LR