a thought on Pandora™ and a coffee cup

Do you guys ever have a song pop up in Pandora™ when you’re not paying attention because you’re like working or gchatting or something (#thelatter) and you suddenly realize Pandora has tried to sneak in some Jack Johnson or Mraz or a patriotic country song and you have to be all, “Woah woah woah not so fast, Mister!”

Yeah that happens to me a lot.

rap songs that would make awkward greeting cards/texts/gestures/sky writing

This post almost entirely sponsored by Jason Derulo and Bruno Mars.

But I’d pay real American dollars to see these rap/r&b “love” song lyrics printed on a greeting card or spoken in a heartfelt sentiment:

• I only miss you when I’m breathing — (only then. Otherwise, no.)
• Girl I would catch a grenade for ya. –(whiny, whiny, blah, blah, Bruno.)
• I hate how much I love you, boy.–(Signed, sealed, awkward.)
• My life would suck without you.–(Oh, Kelly C.)
• You + you = dumb. (This is real.)
• I love you like a love song, baby (deep, stuff here people)
• You got me like, OMG, I’m so in love. (Ursher: still got it)
• Here’s my number, so call me, maybe.–(Carly Rae, don’t be so wishy washy)

What are other awkward song lyrics I missed?

What up Hallmark,

LR

On my mind: I know I’m the cheapo who doesn’t upgrade to Spotify premium but please please can they get better ads? Or is this a punishment/trick/bullying?

Listening to: Dj Earworm. I love him and I don’t care who knows it. I dare you to get on a treadmill with this playing and not run your tush off.

Wear Sunscreen.

Everybody’s free, you guys.

That little song-bird child sang it in the adaption of Romeo and Juliet. And Baz Luhrmann (thank you, Google) spoken-word-sang it in the late 90′s.

It was a poetry slam dunk back then.

And, true to form, I would like to ruin it by bringing it back 10+ years later and using it for my own pleasure. (And secretly I will maintain that it makes it better. And also, that it’s for your own good [none of which is true].)

So here are some of the things I dare you to do to bring this speach/song back:

1. Ding your glass at the next really informal dinner you attend and dedicate it to a friend who recently accomplished something really minor, like renewing his tags or becoming the four square mayor of IHOP.
2. Adapt one of his suggestions to, “Do one thing every day that scares your roommate.” and, when confronted, insist to said roommate that you misunderstood it.
3. Pin it on Pinterest like you just discovered it and think it’s “SOOO true, you guys.”
4. Read it straight-faced, verbatim at the next open mic wedding rehearsal you attend. Off of notecards. Maybe add a single tear.
5. Write it out in your next graduation card. All of it.
6. Name drop Baz Luhrmann more so people ask you who he is and you can give them looks of shock and disdain that they don’t know him.
7. Turn each piece of advice into 31+ separate greeting cards/bumper stickers/mugs/henna tattoos. And make MILLIONS.
8. Mostly, just re-listen to it and be filled with nostalgia. And do it in your car when you’re picking someone up and see how long it takes them to say, “Wait a second…”

I’m always here for you guys. But seriously; wear sunscreen,

LR

Proper Noun Appliance and Furniture Songs

Ok I love Rihanna.

Most of the time.

But this? This is just silly.

I fear that her new song, “California King Bed,” may start a really bad pop trend where singers start crooning about brand name, everyday items involved in their love lives.

Like, a song about the love formed over grilled cheese made on “My Cuisinart Toaster Oveeennnnn,”

or

the big fight that took place around, “My GE Front loading Washhheerrrr,”

or

the flirting that always happened on, “My IKEA sleeper soooffaaaaaa,”

or, heaven forbid, a knockoff of Ri’s current song where Gaga sings, “On my Sealy Posturpeeeedicccc,”

If you haven’t heard this song, listen here, and these lines will make much more sense. Feel free to sing along with the new options.

Godspeed,

LR

NKOTBSBRBYOB

That’s right: new kids on the block backstreet boys be right back bring your own beer.

I almost continued with: BAU2L2Q: business as usual U 2 Legit 2 Quit because I love acronyms and I do what I want.

But back to business (B2B): I went to the new kids/backstreet concert  last night. Which, had they asked me, would’ve been called The New Kids on a Back Street Tour…kind of a bad boy take on the boy band scene.

And I had several thoughts in between the ear-splitting screams of the soccer mom behind me. And here they are. Numbered because I’m a really organized business person.

1. I still know all the words to “I Want it That Way” and, well, you win some, you lose some.
2. Mel almost cried when NKOTB came on stage. Real, human, adult tears. This was before she threw her wedding ring onto the stage at Nick Carter.
3. Where has Howie been all my life? Until he spoke at the end (classic case of the boy band weenie voice) I was all, “Brian Literell who?”
4. The 2 unnamed members of NKOTB (who I later found out are called Danny and Jonathan (wtf?) ) got the shaft per usual amidst screams of “JORRDDANNNN!” and “MARRY ME JOEY!!”
5. When “Hang Tough” started, I thought for a second that, as nearly 40 year old adult men, they’d maybe be embarrassed that they’re still singing these songs. Then I remembered that they are making money off of this shit 18 YEARS LATER. That’s mileage.
6. I wonder why Kevin didn’t join the tour? My guess: his teenage daughter or son or wife begged him not to.
7. I am 4% sure that the Preds sponsored every pelvic thrust that happened last night. $20 a pop i bet. And boy did they cash in.
8. Jordin Sparks opened and one of her backup dancers looked suspiciously like one of the nobodies from NKOTB (danny? jonathan?) Who can blame them if they’re looking to make an extra buck?
9. They changed all of the men’s rooms into women’s rooms except one due to the overwhelming demographic of females. Guess who accidentally found her way awkwardly into the ONE men’s restroom left unchanged? Yep.
10. Beer was $10. For domestic cans. And sweatshirts were $80. If I had a husband I would’ve told him I was getting us couples hoodies just to watch his blood pressure rise via text message. Alas, there will be much time for this in the future.

Call me,

LR

Listening to: Hillsong pandora. Because I’m a better christian than you.

On my mind: I wish somebody in this damn town delivered cheese trays on demand.

Did You Do This yet?

Do this. Listen to it. Then send me $10 thanking me.

Yes, in that order.

LISTEN HERE

Bon Iver is BACK. And minus some weird trumpeting, I’m totes into it.

Yes, totes.

G’day,

LR

On my mind: I do not trust you if you don’t enjoy bargains from TJ Maxx

Listening to: That voice in my head telling me to clean my room. “Hush,” I retort as I pick up my copy of Bossypants, ” I have more important things to do.”

$peaking Ke$ha

Welcome to the first edition of  ”$peaking Ke$ha” where I add meaning to Ke$ha’s tweets and overuse dollar signs as esses.

Not Cool, Bruno.

Just when I thought there wasn’t another excuse for me to procrastinate, put off or “re-prioritize” all of the things I have to do, Bruno Mars comes in and throws “The Lazy Song” on the airwaves.

Damn you, Bruno.

And while he’s not entirely winning (I’m not wearing a snuggie, learning how to duggie or ‘throwing my hand in my pants’), let’s face it, Bruno is now the poster child for procrastination.

With deep, moving lyrics like,

“Today I Don’t Feel Like Doing Anything
I Just Wanna Lay In My Bed
Don’t Feel Like Pickin’ Up My Phone
So Leave A Message At The Tone
‘Cause Today I Swear I’m Not Doin’ Anythin’
Nothin’ At All”

How on earth am I supposed to get anything done? It lulls me into believeing every “I’ll do it tomorrow” and “But you deserve a nap!” that I so mightily battle daily.

To be fair, though, this isn’t really coming as a shock to anyone–I mean the below face doesn’t really scream, “PRODUCTIVITY!”

But there’s no doubt that he’s single handedly running a smear campaign agains productivity and he is winning.

So, the only natural response to this onslaught of lazy messaging, I’m going to start blaming him for my missed deadlines and overdue paperwork. “Bruno Mars told me to” is the new “my dog ate my homework.”

The Radio is the Boss of Me,

LR

Live a Little.

It’s Friday.

Relax.

Throw yourself a bone. Prop your feet up. Take 5. Smoke a cigar or something. Have some cheese.

And indulge in this ditty.

I heard it whilst parked at my ‘think spot’ yesterday and I loved it so much I wanted to put Dijon mustard on it and make it into a sandwich.

Lightning 100 was playing it and the tune/words caught my ear like whispered gossip.

Take, “Wanna be OK when I’m sitting here alone not just thinking of the ways that I could have done it wrong” for example.

or the repeating chorus line, “You’re a new morning…”

I heard that part and bought it hook, line and sinker. I was like, “I am a new morning aren’t I?”

Let’s just put it all out there, I wanna make out with this song.

And so will you.

Enjoy.

LR

Listening to: Duh. See above. On repeat. And no I’m not eating or frenching it. I’m listening to it. And no I haven’t watched the vid and don’t have any idea what his name means or what religious undertones exist here. But I’m hoping it has to do with Lamentations 3:22-23 and redemption. Thoughts?

On my mind: I’m in Seatttttttttle! And it’s cold.

Dramatic.

I am a geyser of emotions.

Perhaps the ‘Old Faithful’ of emotions, even.

What can I say? I love to emote.

(Which is the same skill that scored me the role of “Mouse #3″ in our community theater performance of “Cinderella in the Wild, Wild West” in 1991. Top that.)

My mother once told me that I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve, I wear it on a sandwich board.

Lucky for me she happens to  find this endearing (whether this is just because she is my mother and has dealt with it for 26 years, I can’t say).  Regardless she loves it, until I can prove otherwise. She likes to tell the story of finding me at age 4, in bed for the night, looking out my bedroom window, crying. As the story goes, when she asked me what was wrong I said,

“Oh, I’m just looking at the moon, Mom. Thinkin ’bout the world.”

See? Emotions.

Even now, 22 years later, I still  find myself drawn to pondering the sky when I feel overwhelmed. As cheesy as it is, I have a spot in Nashville that I like to visit when I just need to think. (read: cry)

I found it last year when we were visiting and still entangled in that tortuous teeter totter between moving to Nashville and staying in Chicago. It was dusk as we drove up a steep hill while exploring the town when suddenly this came into view:

Ok it wasn’t exactly that view, but that’s what it felt like it looked like. All dreamy and dusky and runneth-ing over with hope and promise.

So we sat and looked, and thought, and prayed. For the future, for the unknown.

And now that I live here that’s exactly what I do whenever I need to take a breather and think. And that’s what I did yesterday. And no, “Somewhere Out There” from  American Tail didn’t start to play automatically.

I think it’s good to have a spot. Unless one of these days I discover its a makeout spot for Belmont students. In which case that may actually make me like it more. Opinion pending.

LR

Listening to: My brain tell me to slow down on the fro yo, yo.

On my mind: Did I tell ya’ll that our neighbor adopted Mimsy and renamed her Angel? And that he now looks at us like monsters bc we didn’t wanna keep her. Sorry I’m not sorry.