on this, a tuesday

I want you guys to consider one thing and one thing only:

Why play it cool when you can play it hot?

Exactly,

Lynds

a joke, for you.

I’m gonna give you guys a freebie joke that I use all the time that is guaranteed at least one or five laughs.

Anytime anyone says something that kinda sounds jumbled, is a mouthful of a word, is in a different language, or just generally sounds like a sneeze, respond with:

Gazuntite!

or

God bless you!

Get it? Oh man am I just cackling over here to myself just thinking about it. OK not cackling, giggling. Ok not giggling, just politely laughing like a lady.

Ex: when someone orders tabouleh at a Greek restaurant, or if the pre-teen you are babysitting talks about the Twilight baby, Renesme.

Happy joking!

LR

3 Namers

I was watching The Fugitive the other day (yes, I’m opening with that like it’s a normal thing to do) and I got to thinking about Tommy Lee Jones and wondering how long he’s gone by a full three names and whether or not his family calls him Tommy Lee or T. L. Jones or just Tommy Jones (welome, again, to my brain).

And this got me thinking some more.

About how silly it sounds to call celebrities with three names by just two. It’s almost downright absurd. And also, how do they get to be called by such formal, long names. How do I get in on that action?

See for yourself:

• Sarah Parker
• Jennifer Hewitt
• Sarah Gellar
• Meredith Birney (Lifetime Orig stuff)
• Phillip Hoffman
• Martin King (too soon?)
• Jamie Curtis (#Activia)
• Billy Thornton
• Neil Harris
• Daniel Lewis
• Soleil Frye (punky brewster whaaaat)
• Jo Messina
• Yves Laurent
• Mary Moore
• Andrew Webber
• Stephen Chapman
• Anna Smith

Lost Yearbook Expressions

JT brought sexy back.

Kirsten Dunst brought it on.

A bunch of one-hit wonder actresses brought it on again. And again (the musical).

But I, I am bringing yearbook expressions back.

I don’t know where they went or why we have forsaken them, but in my opinion, it’s never too late to tell someone to HAGS.

Remember THESE?

• Stay cool
• LYLAS
• Never change!
• HAGS

OK that’s all I can remember.

But next time I see you I am for sure saying, HAGS. Remind me of others??

P.s. this article on “How to sign a Yearbook” is hysterical and includes such sage advice as,

“Use different colors or make a border to make it look cool. He/she may think that you didn’t really care about signing their yearbook if you don’t show it.” or

“If you cannot come up with any other kind of little personal touch or ‘gimmick’ (as it were) for your signature, try signing upside down on purpose. This is one of those ‘last-resort’ signature gimmicks, though, since it’s really kind of cheap.”

Who writes this stuff? Amazing.

pushy pushy

“Be safe!” she yelled as I drove away.

“Maybe I will and maybe I wont!” I thought, in defiance.

Because here’s the thing: nobody tells me what to do. And commands like “get well soon!” or “have a good one!” let other people think they can boss you around and that you don’t have a choice in the matter.

I’ll get well whenever I’m ready, thankyouverymuch. And maybe I feel like being unsafe and off-roading on my way home from your housewarming party!

Last I checked, I pay my own bills, I have an eye doctor, and I don’t have Tony Danza as a housekeeper so, yep, I’m still the boss.

take care!

LR

Confess.

“Beef jerky: it’s what’s for dinner”

May have been what I said out loud on my road trip yesterday from Nash to Chi.

Go ahead, judge me.

But I’m betting you have a secret snack that you love that you only eat when no one’s looking or your roommates are asleep or you’re driving 7 hours in a car alone listening to NPR and the teryaki flavor is calling out to you.

Ok maybe it’s just me.

But if not, I double dare you to admit your closeted, favorite food. Right now. On this here blog. Pork rinds, those creepy butterscotch Grandma-candies, easy cheese, the McRib (ahem Seth Jones,) circus peanuts….

Go.

I’m a Procrastinator and So Can You

I’m putting off my dragon to-do list by blogging. Yay me and you and dragons.

(I’m trying to make “dragon” the new “hard.” So far so good.)

Some thoughts whilst I ignore my email and silence my phone.

1. I took off all of my jewelry this weekend to spend some time at the lake and all I want to do is be a summer hippie and leave it all off and never put shoes or real clothes back on and be summer bronzed and have beachy hair. Is that too much to ask? Not entirely un-legit (yes, un-legit) request because my grandmother’s maiden name is Hippee. Seriously. Good luck with that middle name, future-first-born-daughter.

2. I’m almost finished with Bossypants and I can’t tell if I love it because it is so extraordinary or hate it because I will never be as good as her. I keep teeter tottering on the edge of inspiration and insanity. Oooh blog namedrop stuff. I’m so SEO friendly and keyword rich and green.

3. Because I would rather be at the beach than at my desk, let’s look admiringly at this photo from the beloved Rue Magazine’s new tumblr:

Hazy and dreamy huh?

Ok fine, back to work.

LR

Listening to: Dirt Road Anthem bc even though he channels Toby Mac from his DC Talk days with the terrible rap, I like it. Plus, I’m the boss. Plus, none of your business.

On my mind: I’m naming fabric for Loom Decor today and I just came up with a solid gold one: Midsummer Night’s Seam. Get it? Eat your heart out, OPI.

::49 This Makes Crush-Stalking Difficult and Risky

The Facebook “status” bar is alarmingly similar to the “search” bar in appearance and location.

::48 Seriously.

There should be a team of writers who devote themselves solely to the endings of SNL skits.

::47 That’s About as Motivational as it Gets

Anyone could be a motivational speaker if they were allowed to always play “Sweet Disposition” or anything from Explosions in the Sky in the background.