Chain Gang

2 weeks ago I had lunch at Olive Garden.

I know. I know.

But sometimes you just need a chain restaurant. Sometimes you need fatty, affordable, mediocre food with your family. No?

Well, as a precaution from making this a new bad habit and finding myself knee-deep in a TGIFriday’s happy hour tradition,  I stumbled upon a new way to haze myself when dining at chain restaurants:

Find a way to work the restaurant slogan into casual conversation with your waiter.

Yep.

At the OG, I asked for a third refill on our breadsticks and she said, “Baby you can have whatever you want as long as you’re sitting at my table,” to which I trigger-responded, “When you’re here you’re family, right?”

I thought perhaps I had broken the time-space continuum or time had frozen; it felt that monumental of a discovery. Combining two of my loves: overeating and slogans? Felt too good to be true. Turns out I had been practicing for years by trying to make “No rules, just right” (Outback Steakhouse) my personal life tagline.

So, to bring you in on this newfound Rush family tradition, here are some ways to do this at other glorious chain restaurants as you experience–as my favorite food blog, “2 Man Chain Gang” puts it– “the irony of slow cooked, fast food.”

  • IHOP - “Come Hungry, Leave Happy”
    • When your waiter asks how everything was, reply, “Well, we came hungry and we’re leaving happy, so what does that tell you?”
  • Red Lobster – “Life in Land is Dry
    • The only thing I can think of that is breezy here is using the slogan to get a refill.
  • Applebee’s – “Eatin’ Good in the Neighborhood”
    • This one is easy. When your waitress says, “Thanks for comin’ in!” You can explain, in a heartfelt way, “Oh our pleasure. We really try and eat good in the neighborhood. Gotta keep it local, right?”
  • Dominoes - “Get the Door. It’s Dominoes.”
    • This one will be really natural, especially if you are rude to your roommates. Doorbell rings and you just tell your roommate to get the door because the pizza is here. Doy.
  • Chili’s Bar and Grill “Like No Place Else” (P.s. it’s amazing to call it by it’s full name. I am for SURE doing this from now on, always.)
    • This one is a cake walk. Because after queso and an awesome blossom, you will quickly remember why it is unlike anywhere else on earth. Try a simple, “Man you guys make a guiltless grill chicken sandwich like no place else!”
  • TGIFriday’s – “In Here it’s Always Friday”
    • You can either go on friday and have too many Ultimate Electric Lemonades and keep screaming something about being so glad it’s Friday, or make small talk on a Tuesday and earnestly tell your waiter, “Frankly I came for the distraction from work, because I heard in here it’s always Friday.”

So go, godspeed. Make Mama proud.

LR